Lovers' Quarrel

I present, for your entertainment, an email conversation that went around work last week. All names except mine have been changed.

From: Rylands, Frank
Sent: Tuesday, December 15, 2009 9:56 AM
To: Golden, Ezra; Layman, Stephanie
Cc: McPherson, Brendan; Bompiani, Tito; Rimmel, Terrence;
Bender, Bruce
Subject: RE: Avatar

Please, keep your lovers' quarrels to yourselves.

-----Original Message-----
From: Golden, Ezra
Sent: Monday, December 14, 2009 4:45 PM
To: Layman, Stephanie
Cc: McPherson, Brendan; Bompiani, Tito; Rimmel, Terrence;
Bender, Bruce; Rylands, Frank
Subject: Re: Avatar

Reply all?! Seriously? I just wanted you to know how i felt.

-Ezra

On Dec 14, 2009, at 4:32 PM, Layman, Stephanie wrote:

> Ezra,
>
> Is this some veiled attempt to take me out on a 4th date?
> Don't you understand No? I've had it with your pathetic
> attempts to woo me. And now you're involving others in your
> ludicrous schemes? Making Brendan pretend he's coming so
> that I won't know your real plan is for it to be just like
> our first date-when I thought it was a group thing, but
> really it was just us watching some weird, awkward movie?
> You know what? I bet you gave me that flat tire on purpose,
> just so that you could appear to be some kind of knight in
> shining armor who rescues damsels in distress. Whatever. I
> know better now. And I'm done being nice. This is me
> rejecting you. LEAVE ME ALONE!
>
> Stephanie
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: McPherson, Brendan
> Sent: Monday, December 14, 2009 3:12 PM
> To: Golden, Ezra; Bompiani, Tito; Layman, Stephanie;
> Rimmel, Terrence;
> Bender, Bruce; Rylands, Frank
> Subject: RE: Avatar
>
> Sounds awesome I'm up for it!
>
> Brendan McPherson
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Golden, Ezra
> Sent: Monday, December 14, 2009 3:10 PM
> To: Bompiani, Tito; Layman, Stephanie; Rimmel, Terrence;
> Bender, Bruce; McPherson, Brendan; Rylands, Frank
> Subject: Avatar
>
> Starts friday,
>
> sushi + movie anyone?

Crazy, huh? Well, here's the story ...

The first date scenario is completely true. It happened years ago, soon after Ezra started working at my company, when none of us had gotten to know him yet. He invited our whole team to go see Children of Men, and I was the only one who showed up. We watched the movie, and it was definitely a little strange (the birthing scene in particular). Afterward, I realized my car had a flat tire. It was the middle of winter, and, in my skirt and heels, I was the perfect Damsel in Distress (minus the screaming and fainting). Ezra played the part of the Knight in Shining Armor impeccably; when we discovered my spare was also flat, he drove me and my spare to the gas station, re-inflated the spare, drove us back to the movie theater, and changed the flat tire with the now-usable spare, all while I watched helplessly. It was a rather awkward evening, but later we were able to look back at it and laugh. It became our joke. Though we never planned to go out together, whenever Ezra and I ended up alone by some series of events, it was another “date.”

Last week, when Ezra sent an email inviting people to go see Avatar, it was obvious that I needed to reply-all with a continuation of our date joke. However, Brendan replied first, and I thought I had missed my opportunity. Ezra IMed me to point out that, since Brendan was coming, it wouldn't be a fourth date. I told him I had planned to reply-all with something embarrassing, and he actually encouraged me. So—game on!—I had to come up with something good.

For maximum impact, I felt there were two options: I love you or I hate you. Clearly I hate you was the much funnier option. I wrote the email, sent it out, and immediately felt regret at its harshness. Ezra, however, thought it was awesome and was excited to see the response. The response was ... awesome! Some people realized it was a joke and laughed with us about it. A few people thought it was serious at first, and Ezra had fun with that, letting them in on the joke eventually. He even forwarded the email to some people not included in the original conversation.

Now that I've seen how much Ezra enjoyed this joke, I don't regret sending my over-the-top response. I just want the world to know this one thing: I'm not evil. I would never be so brutal, publicly or privately! You believe me, right?